How to birth a baby in 8 minutes


When you have a baby, lots of people (mainly women) ask you, “so how did everything go?” And you know exactly what they mean… You also know, they probably aren’t prepared for the truth! 

With our first child, my water broke at 1:00 pm after a took a nice nap on the couch. I casually packed my hospital bag, went to a dermatologist appointment, and strolled around our neighborhood as my labor slowly progressed. At 7:00 pm Zack drove us to the hospital, I was admitted, chose to get an epidural around midnight, took a nap, then woke up around 4 am to start pushing. I pushed for about 2 hours, in very little pain, then Pipes was born at 6:00 am… On her due date none the less! Pretty normal, by-the-book, and thankfully uneventful. She was 9lbs 1 ounce, plump and perfect. I was exhausted but felt good. Recovery was typical for a 9lb baby, and went fairly smoothly. 

Boring, I know. 

Labor and delivery with Hudson, on the other hand, was straight from a comedy/horror movie. 
Disclaimer:do not attempt this at home.. Literally.

This is where karma comes in. I used to make cruel cruel jokes about a particular reality TV mom who took the baby breeder route and has 20 kids and apparently is still “counting.” I’d say things like “they probably just fall out by now” then at about 1:30 am on April 21st, karma decided to give me my own dose of medicine. 

I woke up uncomfortable, but had no idea I was knee deep into labor.. Decided to Facebook (verb?) and take a bath. At about 2:00 am I decided to lay down on the couch… Then BAM, major contraction. I thought-“holy eff that was bad” … 30 seconds later, BAM another one. //cue tornado scene… people screaming… Objects flying… Zack crying//

2:20 am: arrive at ER. Crazy ER lady thinks that having Zack fill out 20 pages of paperwork is the appropriate thing at this point. Meanwhile-I’m avoiding dropping the F bomb and getting on all 4’s like an animal during contractions, so that I don’t absolutely terrify our 2 year old into a life of celibacy. 

2:40 am: go up to labor and delivery, get “checked” and am immediately told to put a robe on a lay down. My stubborn self decides I DONT need to lay down, but that I need to go pee instead. 

2:46 mention epidural while nurse holds back cruel laughter

2:48 Am: water breaks as I’m opening bathroom door. Nurse Awesome (she really was) tells me to get in bed and lay down immediately. 

I realize, sh*ts about to hit the fan.

2:52 I lay down and decide, “hm, seems like the perfect time to push” so that’s exactly what I start doing. Immediately 3 nurses come in the room and start yelling STOP PUSHING… And my body says “eff the po-leece… I’m pushing.” 

So that’s exactly what I did. No doctor in sight.. Just me, my husband, and 3 panicking nurses. (Soooo clearly not getting that epidural) I could feel his head.. And I’m thinking, “ok.. Who’s catchin him?” 

3:00 AM: mysterious Dr McDreamy walks in, catches my baby. All 9lbs 9 ounces of him. 

Yall- I can’t make this stuff up. 

It was terrifying. The only reason I looked semi-decent in the lovely pic Zack posted of me soon after was because I conveniently had gone to bed in my makeup the night before /PTL/ 

Now, 3 weeks later, I’m still slightly horrified. I’d rather think about being attacked by a large gorilla with rabies then having another child. 

And thus, We’re considering adoption. More posts to come!

Love,

Tired mommy of 2

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